Joke of the day – Monday

“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

Joke of the day – Thursday

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers, and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows,  it’s 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimes. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

” You damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

Joke of the day – Wednesday

Ten Signs You Had Too Much Fun Last Night

1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

4. You’re convinced that the chirping birds are Satan’s pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”

8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

Joke of the day – Thursday

Sorry about getting this one up so late. Enjoy!

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

Joke of the day – Wednesday

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

Joke of the day – Tuesday

A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What the hell did you put in my mouth?”

He says, “Two aspirin.”

She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”

He says, “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Joke of the day

I love telling jokes. So i’m just going to start putting a joke on here every day. Hopefully it will put a smile on your face. Here we go.

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

‘Brenda, may I come in?’ he asks. ‘I’ve somethin’ to tell ya’.

‘Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?’

‘That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. ‘There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..’

‘Oh, God no!’ cries Brenda. ‘Please don’t tell me.’

‘I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. ‘How did it happen, Tim?

”It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

‘Oh my dea! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?’

‘Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.’